Feel

I’m currently sitting in my car in the garage enjoying the static of the radio and the silence of all the other elements. It’s moments like these I savor most. Ever pause and try to merely exist? Ever try to be so in sync with oneself that you can actually feel the touch of your fingertips on your body the same way you feel the surface of material things? Try it. Feel. Breathe. Live.

Belong

I don’t feel like I belong. My relationship with my mother is non existent. After years of daydreaming about what our reunion would be like I was crushed when she told me our encounter was fake. My relationship with my stepmom is strained and only goes as deep as my efforts and my heart has grown weary of the many failed attempts to re-establish a connection. My best friend shared her family with me very openly initially but after a very tough but necessary conversation about boundaries I find myself straddling those lines and relationships cautiously for fear of offending once more. My siblings are off in different places building lives and families with their significant others, as they should. Within my small circle of girlfriends I feel like the odd woman out. Partly because I’m in another city and often hear significant stories seemingly only as a courtesy when I’m physically present. My love doesn’t facilitate relationships between myself and his family and my own efforts to build a deeper bond are often stifled.

I long for that mother-daughter relationship. I long for a family bond without secrets or boundaries. I long for transparent friendships. I long to truly belong to someone, anyone.

Enough

I pray I’m enough

When nice booties and perky tits
dance across your social media timeline
In an effort to entice you with a fun time

I’m pray my adoration is enough
When your hairline recedes back in time
And your gut tries to cut the line

I pray my listening ear is enough
When the world tries to beat you down
And your friends are nowhere to be found.

I pray I’m enough.