I’m currently sitting in my car in the garage enjoying the static of the radio and the silence of all the other elements. It’s moments like these I savor most. Ever pause and try to merely exist? Ever try to be so in sync with oneself that you can actually feel the touch of your fingertips on your body the same way you feel the surface of material things? Try it. Feel. Breathe. Live.
I took a very necessary hiatus for a few days. I removed all social media apps from my phone and simply unplugged. I didn’t give much of an explanation to anyone and just disappeared into my own existence.
I needed to reset down to the very core of my being. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in this world and lose grip of who you are, what you value and your foundation. I prayed, I danced in the middle of my living room in my underwear to my favorite song, painted and sat and stared at a wall in complete silence and it all felt wonderful. In the midst of those things I was able to re-evaluate my actions as of late and re-visit goals made but not yet met and place myself back on the correct path.
During my hiatus I realized that I am very much a part of the beautiful wonders of this world and needed to start living with that as my foundation again. I feel rejuvenated and vow to always reset when I get lost in the shuffle. I truly recommend it to any and everyone. Its never too late to go back to who you are.
“Everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” -Anne Lamott
I don’t feel like I belong. My relationship with my mother is non existent. After years of daydreaming about what our reunion would be like I was crushed when she told me our encounter was fake. My relationship with my stepmom is strained and only goes as deep as my efforts and my heart has grown weary of the many failed attempts to re-establish a connection. My best friend shared her family with me very openly initially but after a very tough but necessary conversation about boundaries I find myself straddling those lines and relationships cautiously for fear of offending once more. My siblings are off in different places building lives and families with their significant others, as they should. Within my small circle of girlfriends I feel like the odd woman out. Partly because I’m in another city and often hear significant stories seemingly only as a courtesy when I’m physically present. My love doesn’t facilitate relationships between myself and his family and my own efforts to build a deeper bond are often stifled.
I long for that mother-daughter relationship. I long for a family bond without secrets or boundaries. I long for transparent friendships. I long to truly belong to someone, anyone.
I love poetry. I love words. There is so much power in them. Words can be as beautiful as the stroke of a paintbrush. I’m falling in love all over again with art in all forms. As of late, poets have been my muse. I find myself truly enamored by the way others, like myself, play with words and design and align them into such beauty. I’m also listening to music with the ears of a poet. Listening to the lines in the same way I’d trace my fingers across a painting in an effort to truly feel the work of art. It’s all just so beautiful!
“She never looked nice. She looked like art and wasn’t supposed to look nice. It was supposed to make you feel something.” – Rainbow Rowell
At 6:38 yesterday evening I glanced up at the sky on my way home and witnessed the full moon. This morning I was running a few minutes late. I looked up and saw Mr. Moon providing morning light while the sun slept in. I looked down at my clock and it read 6:38 am…