I feel a bit convicted. I continue to enlist myself in a tug of war with The Almighty. I continually try to do things my own way despite his blessings. In all honesty I’ve found myself saying, “Thank you for blessing me with my home, car, job, health and peace but when it comes to this love thing I know what I want, I know what I’m doing.” So over and over I pray for Him to allow me to recognize “the one”, the one he has set aside for me yet I still find myself trying to force a square into a circle when I encounter someone who merely tickles my fancy.
Even worse, my last pseudo relationship rendered no personal or spiritual growth and although I recognized it immediately I still tried to fit the square into the circle a few months too long. I ignored the bright exit sign and tried to make it work because he made me laugh and we had chemistry. I tried to compile a list of the things I liked about him and the list stopped at three. I even found myself avoiding any religious or spiritual conversations in an effort to make him comfortable. All the while stifling my own spirituality and growth.
When I finally came to I wanted to kick myself for being so stubborn. How dare I set God aside for laughter and “chemistry” when He wants far more for me. Despite my woes He’s still here for me and still answering my prayers. Now I find myself in the eyesight of someone who not only knows what he wants but also speaks of all the things I’ve prayed about many nights. He wants us to have not only a mental and physical connection but a spiritual one. It’s refreshing and scary at the same time. Am I ready to receive what I’ve prayed for? Of course there is the possibility of he and I not amounting to much of anything but what I’ve realized is I don’t have to try to fit squares into circles. All I have to do is trust Him and stop trying to do this on my own terms.
I’m so glad that our God is a gracious and forgiving God and no matter how often I turn away He stands still awaiting my return.